A Funny Take On The Pre-Flight Briefing

Federal Aviation Regulations (FAR) number 91.107 states that “No pilot may take off a U.S.-registered civil aircraft (except a free balloon that incorporates a basket or gondola, or an airship type certified before November 2, 1987) Unless the pilot in command of that aircraft ensures that each person on board is briefed on how to fasten and unfasten that persons safety belt and, if installed, shoulder harness.”

So how do we make sure everyone knows this? This is where the Flight Attendant’s boring safety briefing comes into play. Everyone knows of the them, nobody listens to them. As Pilot in Command of the planes I fly, I have to say pretty much the same thing as they do every day. Now I take safety very seriously, and i don’t believe there should be anything that distracts from the safety message i try to get across before each flight. Here’s how I say my preflight announcement:

“Alright folks, if you’ll pretend to give us your attention for the next few minutes, my ex-wife and new girlfriend would like to point out the safety features of our Boeing 737-700 series aircraft. For those of you who haven’t been in a car since 1965, this is a seatbelt. (Hold up seatbelt) To operate the seatbelt slide the flat piece of metal into the big piece of metal and release it by lifting up on the flap on the big metal piece. Seatbelts should be warn tight and low across your lips.. I mean your hips and any time your seated.

Although there may be 50 ways to leave your lover… just ask Cindy for a few.. There are only 6 ways to leave this aircraft. Two front exit doors, two over-wing exit doors and two rear exit doors. The signs on the ceiling are cleverly marked “Exit” and disco lights down the aisles will lead you to the nearest door.

In the seatback pocket in front of you you’re likely to find cups, cans, diverse newspaper and an assortment of trash. Included is a fan, also known as a safety information card which clearly illustrates what you should do if our airline becomes a cruise line. First remove your lifevest from beneath your seat. You can’t miss it, it’s just like a bright yellow toilet seat cover, but don’t worry, we have sanitized it for your use.

Place your vest over your head and wrap that waist band around your waist and buckle it in front. Doe see doe and once outside the aircraft pull down on the automatic inflation handle or if your a do-it-yourselfer then blow into the tube at your shoulder. Kick and paddle all the way to shore, and kindly take the vest with our compliments. The Flight Attendants will fallow shortly with the Wine and peanuts.

At this time the flight attendants will come through the cabin to show you their armpits and to make sure that your shoes and socks match your outfit as well as well as ensure that your seatbelts are tightly fastened and that your seatbacks are in their upright and most uncomfortable position. They will also check to see if your carry on luggage has been kicked, crammed, and stuffed beneath the seat in front of you leaving you with the least amount of legroom possible.

Smoking is never ever ever ever allowed aboard this aircraft, however if you are smoking, you had better be on fire as Federal law prohibits tampering, disabling, or destroying a smoke detector or webcam in our lavatories. Federal Aviation Regulations also require all passenger compliance with lighted signs and crew instructions aboard this aircraft (this is my personal favorite). But! If you really do need to enjoy a smelly cigarette then we invite you to step out onto our newly renovated wings where if you can light them you can smoke them. This will also provide us all with inflight entertainment such as “Gone with the Wind” and “Bye Bye Birdie”.

Now although we never anticipate a sudden change in cabin pressure, because if we did we wouldn’t have come into work today.. If one should occur four (4) designer oxygen masks would fall from the cabin above you. To activate the flow of oxygen, first, stop screaming. Remove your deeply rooted fingernails from the seatback in front of you and pull down on the mask until that little hose is fully extended. Grab the mask and put it over that big old nose and mouth of yours (and yes gentleman, it will fit over your wife’s…) and secure with the elastic band or a thumb tack. Please insert one dollar for the first minute of oxygen and 25 cents for each additional minute. If you are traveling with children today.. believe me, were sorry.. Please be sure to place your mask over your mouth before helping the children or anyone acting like children. If your traveling with more than one child, well… pick your favorite.

Well those are the do’s and the don’ts, be sure to check for any left behind possessions. We collect everything at the end of the flight and auction it off at the end of the month so that’s a great time to get your stuff back for a very low price. Thanks, and on behalf of WAFTI (We Apologize For This Inconvenience ) Airlines, please sit back and enjoy the flight!”

Travel Safe,

Author Note: This preflight briefing is for parody purposes only. Any references to not being safe were meant as a joke. Just ask my flight instructor.